My husband just hung up on me. Unacceptable! I am marching downstairs right now to confront him!

God grant me the serenity not to buy every item at Target, the courage to get only what I need, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Darn it. I can't remember if I took my meds.
Anyways, I wonder if Ambien overdoses are common.
Darn it. I can't remember if I took my meds.

I am dancing on the telephone pole at the corner of Tit St. and Ass Ave. wearing only a belt and heels. I am now Mayor! #pornsquare

Birds have viciously bombed my mailbox with poop.I will no longer be getting my mail.Please explain my situation to the credit card company.

My son's long awaited Lego Wii game arrived. Now we've got a tantrum on our hands. It can be hard for a dad when his boy gets to play first.

Last night, every time the doorbell would ring, my 4yr old would enthusiastically say "We have another customer!" #sweetest

The only thing better than mocking a really dumb tweet is noticing that it has a dumb hashtag. And then seeing my picture next to it.

This week I forced my husband to read my tweets. "But I don't get it. I don't wear tightie whities" just a thin comic slice separates us.

Pretending to be texting something of import to mask the complete disconnect I feel with the goings on around me.

5yo said "Goodnight. You look like a hanging baboon." then responding to the look on my face, "no.You look like a princess hanging baboon."

Judging by the pubic hair I just found on it, this dress was formerly owned by an aging redhead. #leavingthedressingroomandexitingGoodwill

I took my 5yo with me to see the peacocks today and I'll be darned if we didn't see some full frontal feathering.

The most beautiful sunny, windy day in Austin!!! It makes sitting in my dark windowless underthestairs closet feel that much cozier.

It hurts my feelings when you live tweet your orgasms. If you don't have one for everybody then it's best to leave them at home. #manners

In college, my favorite professor wrote, "This pleases me" on my term paper. So when I write that, know it's code for "I want to fuck you."

How little somnia qualifies as insomnia? Once and for all, am I a somniac or an insomniac. I'm tired of losing sleep over it.

I'm above caring about typos. I'm above caring about typos. You think I'm messing with you? Watch this: I ma boeuf currying a butt taipeis.

I cannot deal with conversing today. I'm leaving the house with a bunch of post-its that say UNFOLLOW or BLOCK. I'm just gonna slap 'em on.

Last night after my Ambien I put stamps on 100 addressed-ready-to-send late holiday cards.

On the upper left corner of each.
#ambienstamps