Twitter is a great invention that lets potheads finally remember all that brilliant shit they said.

#BadWritingTips Use for effect. "She noticed him" is so bland compared to "His immense presence thrust itself into her awareness"

@rickygervais Ignorance is only blissful for the ignorant. The rest of us have to put up with them.

I find it appaling that in this day and age we still sell baby oil. Is there no humane alternative?

Police forces are being warned not to use pepper spray near bath salts users as it makes faces taste delicious.

One day we're all going to wake up and find out they made it illegal to wake up.

Why isn't there a rhetorical question mark‽

A subtweet is where you talk about someone behind their back to their face.

#BadWritingTips Write 1st draft the way you feel it, then rewrite it adding vampires. Do another rewrite adding werewolves if you have time.

You guys are much nicer on here than you seem on C.O.P.S.

The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.

Why hasn't time release capsule technology been applied to caffeine to create an alarm clock pill you take at bedtime.

If God was a woman, the world would have taken a day to create, but the rest of the week she would have gotten Adam to move things around.

Because of Twitter, a picture is now worth less than 140 characters.

#RejectedOlympicEvents Perpendicular Bars

My superpower is catching on to trends really really late.

I specialize in inconsistency and I stand by my spotty record.

When you first go on the internet you think.. wow.. girls masturbate! After a while you go.. wow.. guys impersonate girls a lot.

I wish I spoke Australian. There is probably some funny shit here if I knew what a Gavin was.

In 9 months.. Superbowl Baby Boom