Tequila makes my clothes come off faster than you can say "that's just apple juice you slut"

Dinosaurs and chivalry are hanging out somewhere.

My parents are SO embarrassing. Doin my laundry and washin my dishes and payin for college smh so embarrassing.

Making a twitter girl laugh is like 100x harder than making a Facebook girl laugh.

When someone favs but doesn't RT me, I kind of feel like the ugly girlfriend. Pretty enough to keep but not to be with in public.

If I get to 300 followers I might shit my pants. but in a really cute and seductive way. Stay tuned

Hitler > country music

I'm going to conduct an experiment at my school and walk in wearing yoga pants and holding a handgun and see which one they notice first

It's not called stalking if you're attractive.

As soon as girls are born they inherently know 2 things.
1: scream and run from all bugs.
2: the lyrics to Vanessa Carlton's 1000 miles.

ordering online to get food delivered to home~~takes an hour to navigate the website but saves you from human interaction ★★★★☆

you keep your toddler on a leash to keep him close, I get that. but there is literally no excuse for the poop bags in your other hand

You call yourself a student athlete but until you can successfully read and run at the same time I don't believe you

Birds don't give a shit. They'll fly right through an Olympic event. watch them.

That 373 pound guy on the biggest loser had a girlfriend but NOPE still single

I keep trying to straighten my hair but it wont stop being so gay

You can get away with ANYTHING on your period. I just killed a guy

Well mom it's a full time job being this irresistible so yeah I am employed

"You are such a hot spot. Will you be my Wi-Fe?" -awesome proposal

Where do I see myself in 5 years?
Some special psychic school probably