a lot of people struggle with alcoholism but it came pretty easily for me

you can go to college and get a major in The Beatles however you can't get a minor within 300 feet of R Kelly.

somewhere along the way i decided it was better to have a broken liver than a broken heart

have to return to utah for work - objective this week is to find a dirty mormon girl to lick my latter day taint.

if i follow you on twitter it's either because i find you witty or i want to see you naked. it's your job to figure out which one you are.

Dirty girls like it really rough but math girls like it mean.

if two giraffes were sixty-nining on the serengeti and no one was there to witness it, would it still be fucking awesome?

i don't think it's creepy to hit on cute 19-year old girls on twitter because i know they're actually 37-year old dudes from Nebraska

some people say marijuana ruins your memory but i always say...oh shit, what is it i always say?

you tell me you just have one cat and i'm telling you it's a starter kit.

My favorite sexual position is the one where I get to have sex

you had me at hello but then you lost me as soon as i realized you're a fucking idiot.

the bigger the boobs in your avi the more i assume you're probably a dude

i have an idea for a new tv show called 'You Shouldn't be Alive' where we bring on a group of reality stars and get to execute one of them

if i owned a handgun i would keep it on the coffee table so people could touch it. seems like a good idea to have lots of fingerprints on it

you may call me a man-whore but i prefer organ donor.

the best thing about being single in 2045? Banging 65-year old women with tramp stamps.

if there ever was a judgment day, i think i would spend most of it explaining my search engine history.

my mom knows i'm great but your mom knows i'm great in bed. happy mother's day!

the most critical part of a successful murder-suicide is getting the order right