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Maury, I could care less who the father is. I just want to know how these people are getting laid in the first place.
Sometimes I wonder if my neighbors think I'm an alcoh... Ah shit. I just spilled red wine on my 'good' Jagermeister shirt.
I've kept an orchid alive for two weeks. I think I might be ready for motherhood.
I think people would be less inclined to piss me off if they knew exactly how much I watch Forensic Files. And take notes.
Little known fact: "Ikea" is actually Swedish for the sound one makes when shitty furniture falls apart.
I'm confused. So before Facebook did adults just sit around a table and discuss farming fake crops?
I haven't had a period for 4 months. If I'm pregnant, this could be the first immaculate conception since that made up one a long time ago.
Apparently 46% of teens have made a sex tape. That's shocking. A tape? I thought our youth would've been more of the digital persuasion.
It's the kind of day you want to go somewhere where you can walk in and they know your name.
But I don't feel like going to the pharmacy.
Me: Two of my Twitter friends just got engaged!
Me: You don't know them.
Him: Neither do you!
I know you're all excited that there's water on the moon, but call me when they find Skittles or donuts. Actually don't call, text.
Seriously, "friend" I've not spoken to in 14 years you deleted me from Facebook?? It only took me a year to notice. I thought we were tight.
They say for optimal nutrition, your meals should be full of color, which is why I chose the bag of Skittles over Hot Tamales for dinner.
"Some things in life aren't free." How profound. And some things in life aren't other things in life. I'm like a fucking fountain of wisdom.
On a scale from "started a Farmville farm and spent all day farming fake crops" to 10, I'll let you guess how bad today was.
I wish there was a "I liked your Facebook status until every one of your moron friends had to comment on it & I had to be notified" button.
Walmart, I gotta hand it to you for consistency. You consistently bring together everyone I don't want to be around.
There should be some clarification when people say they're "living the dream." I've had dreams about a bearded machete-wielding midget clan.
There is no reason I should be awake since 6:30am on Saturday. I blame Jesus.
No really, the gardener Jesus. Causing quite the racket.
I don't like celery and I dress like a bee. Insomniac. Actress. Mainly working on perfecting the craft of acting sane.
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