I don't know much about Greek mythology, but I'm guessing Diabetes is the goddess of cake.

I usually don't believe in stereotypes about people from other countries, but every girl I've ever seen from Bulimia is ugly as fuck.

Cat nip is short for cat nipples, right?

"Fold this flap first. Insert here." The directions on the Hot Pockets sleeves double as directions for sex with a fat girl.

In Soviet Russia, joke gets you.

Mama always said life is like a box of rocks. Wait, that's not right. She said I was dumber than a box of rocks. She knew a lot about rocks.

If your screensaver doesn't show you boobies, you're doing it wrong.

I don't mean to brag, but I was voted least likely to brag in high school.

I may not be the brightest bulb in the box, but I'm definitely the whitest.

Bad things always come in threes. That's why bad girls always have 3 orgasms in a row.

One of the proudest moments in a Redneck's life is watching his new house turn in the driveway.

If you see me smiling, it's because I know in one of those alternate universes I was just awarded a medal for killing you for being stupid.

I blame my super laziness on getting bitten by a radioactive sloth.

No lemons were harmed in the making of this tweet.

If a sneeze is like an orgasm then laughing will probably be the closest thing to multiple orgasms I'll ever experience.

Make star fucks, not star wars.

I'm sitting on 'G' waiting on 'O FUCK YOURSELF'.

I'm about as useful as a bra in space.

"Why are you staring at a solid black TV screen?" "This is Shark Week: Gulf of Mexico."

5 is licking 3's left nipple and I should probably stop doing "the number thing" with my list of favorite porn stars before I get arrested.