1920: "May I have this dance?"

1950: "Want to go to the drive-in?"

1980: "What's your sign?"

2012: "Here's a picture of my penis."

A few of my favorite things:

1. Raindrops on roses
2. Whiskers on kittens
3. Bright copper kettles
4. Warm woolen mittens
5. Blow jobs

Me: I'm gonna be productive today.

Twitter: no you're not.

Me: but I'm gonna try.

Twitter: no you're not.

Me: I know.

Ahh women. You beautiful, fucked up creatures.

The perfect woman:

1. Beautiful but doesn't let it get to her head.

2. Intelligent without needing to prove it.

3. Funny as hell.

I wear Crocs because last thing I need is bitches all over my shit in public.

I'm actually kind of handsome when you're drunk and the light is low and there's no other dudes around and you have low standards.

When a guy says he "just wants to be friends" he means with your vagina.

When I'm not allowed to tweet at work I touch my phone in my pocket like Frodo does the Precious.

If you're a douche on twitter I can't imagine what kind of monumental fucktard you are in real life.

It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.

It's not that I'm too needy, it's that I'm too wanty.

How I tweet:

1. Think of something hilarious
2. Forget it almost instantly
3. Substitute something unfunny
4. Tweet it
5. Cry incessantly

Why is it always the good girls who want to be choked?

"Women are beautiful on the inside."--penises.

How to get a woman to like you:

1. Make her laugh.
2. If you can't do number 1 you're fucked.

Watching a documentary about circumcision. Of course it's the uncut version.

Subtweets only work if the person is intelligent or narcissistic enough to notice.

Stars are stolen glances from across a room.

RT's are tiny love letters.

Trophies are me standing outside your window with a boombox.

Twitter isn't just about the tweets. It's about the people you meet here.


And their boobs.