I star what amuses me. I retweet what I wish I had thought of first.

The beach is the only place you can get drunk and fall asleep during the day in public and not be judged.

If you like the way Shakira dances, you'll love the way I fuck.

I'm not asking for a six pack or a sports car, just someone who likes to talk shit, smoke, and fuck the shit out of me.

Creeper in the rape van next to me in traffic is giving me the 'I'm a registered sex offender' eyes.

Twitter is my therapy.

Baking and roasting today. I.e. Smoking weed on the beach, getting my tan on.

I wish I could eat a cartoon cheeseburger. They look so damn delicious.

You all know those Disney movies aren't really going in the vault forever, right?

Just got weighed at the Dr.'s office. Thank God I'm here to refill my Prozac prescription.

Forget my feelings. Just fuck me already!

Always wear rubber sole shoes when dancing on bar tops.

I'm 4th grade retarded.

I think Macaulay Culkin is morphing into Gary Busey.

I live in Miami. My nipples are terrified of 50 degree weather.

No tolerance for bullshit. No patience for stupidity.

I'm not good at not having sex.

Just saw a dude on a scooter with a Dora backpack.

I want to ram the car in front of me from behind like a professional athlete and some random white chick.

Ben Roethlisberger's face looks like a baked potato someone sat on.