There is no "u" in "family". You're adopted.

-Water you doing? -Ice cream for help. -Kiwi go? -Mango. -You nuts? Just lettuce go. - I'll ketchup with you. -K, meat you there. -Peas man!

It's pronounced women. The rights are silent.

The first rule of procrastination club can be discussed later.

Dearly Beloved we are gathered here today to mourn the passing of a great tweet, buried silently under horoscopes, lyrics and morning rants.

1 out of 10 women believes that the other 9 are jealous of the 1 who believes that the other 9 are jealous of her. Now where's my PhD?

Your cup half empty or half full, regardless, you still need to buy a smaller bra.

Just for a laugh, I always write "69" in the space where they ask "position desired" on the job application.

I always have the last word in an argument. In my mind. Several days later.

"Knock knock" "Who's there?" "YA 7MARA, 3AYZA EL 7AMAM!" "Ya 7mara 3ayza el 7amam, who?"

I think you'd all, be a bit; surprised and disturbed, at how much. Your punctuation, affects the way! I read your tweets, in my head?

Tired and clumsy. I dropped something on the floor. It lives there now.

Sure, I can talk about my feelings; I don't feel like talking.

Today I used a pen that is not mine. It was actually better than mine. Conclusion: I'd definitely cheat on my husband.

Here's the thing about unfinished thoughts:

Ever learned a new word and then it seems like every time you turn around you see a Hepaticocholangiocholecystenterostomy?

Why do people never admit to being just the right amount of 'whelmed'?

I don't take sleeping pills cause I don't like things telling me what to do.

I'll develop a personality once boobs go out of fashion.

I came to Twitter for the celebrity stalking potential. I stayed for the creepy spambot followers and porn sites.