Thats weird. My dad sent the family an email congratulating my 2 cuz's on becoming Drs but he forgot to mention how far Ive gotten in Skyrim

Girls just so you know, you guys watching SD channels on our HD TV is probably just as bad if not worse than us leaving toilet seat up.

"Oh my God. Your cat is on fire." -something I actually said seriously at one point in my life. @dwensara #truestory #candleswereinvolved

Fact: My mom always made me turn away during the pottery scene in "Ghost" & I still dont know what happens. Ghost sex?

Man, I bet Chelsea's sex talk growing up was just as epic as this speech. #Clinton #DNC2012

"I bet theres a market for guys who want to look like gay superheroes but need an excuse to wear tight nylon shirts."-Under Armour creator

Do people still go to Tahiti? I believe the only people there are my great aunt and James Brolin.

Pretty much an episode of HIMYM. “@colinmlenton: Interesting angle on the lockdown, a one night stand  http://www.esquire.com/_mobile/blogs/culture/lust-during-wartime?src=spr_TWITTER&spr_id=1456_8097681 …”

This time last year, it was 54degrees out. Sheesh. I think we all know who we to blame for this. #DamnObamaCare

"Suck it Mayans." -my first tweet of 2013 #NewYearResolution #IPromiseToBeFunnier

Please God, I hope this ends this with a sax solo tribute to van halen or something. #Clinton #DNC2012 #sealthedeal

I wish trees and plants got sick whenever we humans had sex. Just so they know what it feels like. #allergies

I swear if Thomas Kincade rises today, so help me...

I can only dream. "@kenjennings: I hope Andrew Wyeth is kicking the crap out of Thomas Kinkade right now.”

Im pretty sure Cee Lo Green took the curtains from Libarach's house for that costume.

Downloaded an app on my iPad however, I don't want it on my iPhone. Wirelessly syncs it anyway. #firstworldpains

When we had D.A.R.E. classes in elm school, they made us put on drunk goggles. Dont think they worked, cause nobody looked hotter back then.

Wow, #nbalockout is over. Doesn't change the fact the Harlem Globetrotters will still get a better turn out than 97% of the teams in the NBA

Electronic stores should have a sale on GPS's today in honor of Christopher Columbus. #americaisnotindia

Wait there was a bacon restaurant?!?! "@huffingtonpost: Bacon restaurant forced to close after neighbors complain about the smell."