I star it because I like it and I RT it because I wish I'd said it.

"Twitter is unfollowing people not me" is the new "the dog ate my homework."

For some reason I always get erections at funerals. Damn mourning wood.

Being on twitter is like reliving high school all over again. All the pretty girls tell me how funny I am then bang other dudes.

Once you get used to the beautifully twisted nature of twitter it's impossible to go back to the inane bullshit on Facebook.

Just stubbed my toe so now I know what childbirth feels like.

I must've missed the sign at Walmart that stipulates the dress code as Looney Tunes t-shirts, pajama bottoms, and Crocs.

Things I've learned on twitter:

1. Married doesn't mean unavailable.

2. Single doesn't mean down for whatever.

3. I'm a whore.

The only tweets I regret are the ones I send.

My favorite is how old people sign their names to the ends of their comments on FB. Love, Jim.

If I said the things I say on here in real life I'd be broke, unemployed, single, and have no life. Sound familiar?

Facebook is my sweet god fearing girlfriend and Twitter is my skanky side piece.

Changing your name and avi at the same time is the new witness protection.

Started a Kik account so I can not get messaged there either.

Sometimes when I can't think of anything to tweet I listen to Peter Cetera songs and tweeting isn't so important anymore but suicide is.

I got retweeted by an egg. Is this what they mean by "elite"?

I call your vagina perspective because I like to put things in perspective.

You know I mean business when I'm wearing my good sweatpants.

If you're a guy who styles his hair around a baseball cap I'm gonna assume someone touched your pee-hole when you were little.

Keep expectations low and bask in the title of overachiever.