I put suicide notes next to roadkill so their animal families have some closure

Somebody should tell Forrest Gump that on the back of the box of chocolates it tells you exactly what you're going to get.

If your Prius was a transformer his name would be Fagatron

Almost got into a fight over a parking spot. The guy got out wearing a tweety bird shirt, and I'm not crazy enough to fuck with that

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say "We ride together, we Die together."

DM: you're the sexiest Motherfucker I know.

Twitter: you cannot send yourself a direct message.

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

"When I'm done shitting on your car I'm going to watch your wife undress through her window"-Birds

"Your Parents told me they were going to get a divorce if you don't shut the fuck up"

Me if I was a kindergarden teacher.

I don't trust Penguins. I know you can fly you sneaky fucks!

"She looks like a little Danny Devito"

Things I say so I don't have to keep looking at baby photos.

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you're intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

I accidentally spilled some Red Bull on my penis and now he won't stop doing sit ups and calling me "Bro".

I heard once you get over 1000 stars for one tweet you find out what Willis was talking about.

My pet Turtle died because I fed him Pizza.
Stupid Ninja Turtles are a bunch of fucking liars.

Morning Routine:

-Shower
-Brush Teeth
-Do the helicopter with my penis
-Crush morning after pill in girlfriends oatmeal
-go to work

Overheard a black guy asking the waitress for some crackers, so I stood up and yelled "THATS OUR WORD!"

A Rhino once tried to kill me but I said "stop it you're just mad because you're horny!" Then we laughed and killed some zebras together.