Bars should have happy tissue hour

What doesn't kill me makes me smaller - Mario

Seven days without Vodka makes one weak.

Sorry about the bruises, but you said you wanted to get stoned and I thought you meant biblically

We don't know it but microwaves are actually cursing at us.

If we're not using carbon dating to find out how old Barney the dinosaur is, we are wasting the technolgy.

I left Facebook when people's nastiness & drama outweighed the fun & friendship.

I'll do the same here when the hate overwhelms the laughs.

My manual RTed Tweet got more RTs than the original one.

Now i feel i've hit rock bottom.

Relax white people, black people have the "N" word. But we still have words like "Yacht", and sayings like "thanks for the warning officer".

“I love how your dominant hand is on the wrong side of your body.”—left-handed compliment

I want a cucumber. For the Facebook reason not the Twitter reason.

I got excited cuz I thought my friends might be throwing me a surprise party.

Turns out it was just a regular party. I just wasn't invited.

I'm not drunk. I've only had a 6 pack.

In dog beers.

Fills up 95% of bin in 5 mins, I make the other 5% last 2 weeks.

I'm Mexican, but not 3rd world wipe your ass and throw it in the trash when you can flush it down the toilet Mexican.

All women are crazy.

So you might as well find one who is good to look at.

When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, "Thumb War" is not the answer they were looking for.

I could get up to use the restroom or I could just pee my pants. It’ll dry after awhile, right?

Who am I kidding, I’m not wearing pants.

I pissed my kid off so he's put me in my room for time out. Years from now he'll recognize today as his first lesson in female manipulation.

"Get your fax straight!" - a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987