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Somewhere, there's a woman watching the NRA press conference and going "Ugh, I can't believe I fucked that guy in college."
If the family in Modern Family is so "modern," then why don't any of the women have jobs?
"Hey, wanna fuck and eat with me for a few years?" "Sure." -Relationships
The guy who killed Bin Laden will win at small talk for the rest of his life. "You're a realtor? Cool. I shot Bin Laden in the face."
"FALL CLOTHES!! SO SOON!!!! FALL CLOTHES!!!!!!!" -every woman's inner monologue right now
Normally, when politicians address women named Candy, it's under WAY different circumstances. #debate
Fun, flirty thing to whisper on a 1st date: "I wanna change the shit out of you."
Let's take a moment this Valentine's Day to think about how awkward it is for all the couples who started dating in January.
I put grilled chicken AND hard-boiled egg in my salads just to let the chickens know I'm not fucking around.
There's no combination of celebrity judges, however famous, that can get me to give a fuck about a talent competition.
I'd like to host a TV show where I do a weekly round-up of people who are dead to me.
I'm the weird girl at the house party who's lying on the floor with the dog.
People who tell me everything is going to be okay: can you give me a fucking time frame?
The real winner tonight is teeth whitening. #debate
Just once, I'd like my moment of clarity to come before I make the bad decision and not immediately after.
I hope somewhere there are two lame dudes living together who call going to the market "brocery shopping."
I'd watch the shit out of a reality show that's a search for the most pretentious vegan.
What I took from Life of Pi is that I really want to go on a cruise with my cats.
Either Republicans hate tweeting, or I don't follow any Republicans on Twitter.
Don't forget: just because they're nerds doesn't mean they're not huge fucking assholes.