I bet the Catholic church would feel different about birth control if little boys could get pregnant.

Yo @50cent @kanyewest @rihanna we killed it tonight in the studio! #yolo #blessed

This game is so Raven. #Superbowl

I guess bad things happen in infintes?

It's so crazy how the IRS targeted all the people screaming "fuck the IRS!" It's like a great plan and shit.

Hey everybody! Some very nice people have already spread the word, but if you didn't hear, I'm on @teamcoco tonight at 11pm on TBS, watch!

Just saw a dog sneeze. Pretty stoked.

Gonna set up a service that helps you have sex with your parents, called Oedipal Arrangements.

Just read Infinite Jest in one day! Thanks cocaine and lying!

You call it insomnia, I call it a perfect time to count mistakes.

Are we allowed to bring bottled water on airplanes during #thepurge ?

I wish you could delete other people's tweets.

I know they're unpopular, but a witch hunt does sound really fun.

You guys please donate to NYC so they can get back to eating gourmet food and criticizing the rest of the country.

My mother is in a nonprofit called "Nurses Without Boundaries."

The stewardess just killed with a joke, and I was legitimately jealous.

This whole #Dorner thing is really just the Breaking Bad finale.

Ironically, Virginia Tech was my safety school.

How would you feel losing to the sound of Gangnam Style? #Superbowl

My wife is out of town, the Brita is empty.