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@lancebass Voting day in #NC! Please RT and help us #VoteAgainst #Amendment1 today! We can beat this!
I hope gay kids realize the bullies who have passed Amendment One in NC today will always live in houses with wheels and die fat.
My mom is such a bitch I feel bad that I didn't give her the opportunity to be on Dance Moms when I was a young ballet dancing homo.
Do not try to secretly watch @nbcthenewnormal's at work unless you have a good lie prepared to explain why you're crying. Thanks @aliadler.
Taylor Swift is currently writing a song in her head about being in love with Michael J. Fox's son for 4 minutes at the Globes' after-party.
Justin Bieber assaulting a paparazzi marks the first time that jazz hands have ever been used for evil instead of good.
Fun fact: Right now Elisabeth Hasselbeck's butthole is as tight as the race in Florida.
Even Siri thinks Obama's evolution of values is bullshit: http://t.co/eUjhQbel
I wish I could eat more healthy options, but I suck at separating the yolk out of these eggs. Do better next year, Cadbury.
SPENCER! Do not have sex in that hot tub with Toby! You'll get a yeast infection!! Oh, and he is a psycho killer. #PLL
All the people who still quote Rebecca Black on Friday give Carly Rae Jepsen hope she'll still be relevant in 2013.
Nicole Richie’s new fragrance is based on the smells from her childhood. Cocaine and twinkies?
Obama's support for gay marriage is the biggest "FUCK YOU!" given to NC by a black man since Michael Jordan quit UNC basketball early.
Need to reevaluate my Facebook friendships: Everyone is talking about Nascar and no one is talking about @abbyleemiller on @rosie.
Not shocking Cory Monteith checked into rehab. I would need lots of drugs to be around Lea Michele that often too.
.@byheatherlong isn't just a terrible @guardianus editor, she reinforces writing inflammatory BS crying "rape" without fact-checking.
Formerly wrote penis jokes for a TV show as a job and now write penis jokes for Twitter as a way to get a different kind of job. I also am a dick aka attorney.
