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I hope gay kids realize the bullies who have passed Amendment One in NC today will always live in houses with wheels and die fat.
My mom is such a bitch I feel bad that I didn't give her the opportunity to be on Dance Moms when I was a young ballet dancing homo.
Taylor Swift is currently writing a song in her head about being in love with Michael J. Fox's son for 4 minutes at the Globes' after-party.
Justin Bieber assaulting a paparazzi marks the first time that jazz hands have ever been used for evil instead of good.
Fun fact: Right now Elisabeth Hasselbeck's butthole is as tight as the race in Florida.
"I hope Chris Brown is okay!!" - No one
I wish I could eat more healthy options, but I suck at separating the yolk out of these eggs. Do better next year, Cadbury.
All the people who still quote Rebecca Black on Friday give Carly Rae Jepsen hope she'll still be relevant in 2013.
Nicole Richie’s new fragrance is based on the smells from her childhood. Cocaine and twinkies?
Can we all just agree to call that penis-V-muscle thingy "cum gutters"?
Obama's support for gay marriage is the biggest "FUCK YOU!" given to NC by a black man since Michael Jordan quit UNC basketball early.
Not shocking Cory Monteith checked into rehab. I would need lots of drugs to be around Lea Michele that often too.
Formerly wrote penis jokes for a TV show as a job and now write penis jokes for Twitter as a way to get a different kind of job. I also am a dick aka attorney.