These Twitter ads suck! I keep getting one for Kirstie Alley's new movie with all these birds lifting her, called "Twitter is Over Capacity"

I bet you moms in Africa are like, "Be happy I don't over-feed you, there are obese kids in America!"

Told my mom I got 1,000 followers! She's so happy shes crying! In the corner. Something about "finding real friends". I think she likes you!

too young to be a cougar, not a mom enough to be a milf. so i guess my cute nickname is stuck as "sexual predator".

Don't worry mom, I'm really popular on the Internet. I only play a friendless loser in the real world.

Got my hair done again. I'm so blonde now I can barely spell my last name.

You were cuter when your avatar wasn't you.

Taking online classes is awkward. I hate "chatting" with my teacher, im always nervous his next response will be "So..what are you wearing?"

If you guys think Twitter plagiarism is bad you should see Facebook. I made my status "going to work" and within an hour everyone stole it.

Him: See! You said Twitter was stupid and now you're addicted!
Me: It was stupid. When you were the only one I was following.

They say every girl should have a gay best friend so I finally got one, but the only thing she ever wants to do is me.

When I was your age my whole family shared one phone, and it was attached to the kitchen wall by a cord. We couldn't even tweet from it.

*Pretending to be nonchalant about breaking 500 followers but really I'm doing the worm and handing out mojitos*

I would SO be friends with you guys in real life. If that didn't require leaving my basement, making human contact, and putting on clothes.

It's so hard to keep track of who's texting me when I save my contacts under names like "Whore from Work" or "King of Crotch Grabbing"

Jack Daniels just came in my mouth.

I bet more guys would carry purses if they realized how many beers you can fit in these things.

Sometimes I pretend I'm strapping on a jetpack, not a bra.

Back in my day we didn't have "Re-Tweeting". We had to write a note to the kid next to us and whisper "pass it on!"

My mom laughs at all my jokes. But I'm pretty sure she's just looking at me thinking "Hahaha that came out of my vagina and its so BIG now!"