Ladies, you know the best way to remove stubborn mascara? Shattered dreams. Works every time!

There is really no reason for you to talk to me anymore. We've already had this discussion in my mind, and you wasted my time then, too.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change;courage to change the things I can and patience to not hit coworkers with my car.

Having your best friend move away is just like them dying. But with email.

Can't decide if I want to try to clean up my apartment, or just report it as a crime scene.

Extreme sexual tension between two people can be a lot of fun. Unless you are the only other person in the room.

I've often wondered just how much tequila I'd have to drink to become a Patron saint. I bet I'm half way there.

Someone needs to develop health insurance that covers emotions. I need prescriptions for tequila, chocolate and an assassin.

Welcome to another episode of "Why the fuck do I bother?"

Last night's DJ introduced us to a new music style combining tejano and techno. I am pretty sure it's called te-heck-no.

Passed a wreck this morning where a girl had crashed into a stop sign. I hope she noticed the irony.

If a duck is running toward you, drop the bread. Trust me on this.

Going to IKEA for a new desk tomorrow. As if I don't have enough frustrations in my life already...might as well build Swedish furniture.

Today I learned how to put a poo icon next to a contact in my iPhone. Now no one is safe.

Well, it didn't make my clothes fall off, but that tequila certainly made me overly honest.

Let's see...I've made 2 coworkers cry, 1 throw a pen across a room, 1 stop speaking to me and 1 threaten to quit. I'm a great HR person.

You know you are an accountant when a 10 page spreadsheet finally balances and gets to see your O-face.

That awkward moment when someone says he's happy to see me, but I know he's lying. I like to make that last as long as I can.

I just love being ignored. And apparently, I also love wasting perfectly good passive aggression. Not that you noticed.

Perhaps I am too old for a Happy Meal when I can no longer identify the "toy" that came with it.