I never want to be the guy that walks into the club already dancing.

I just peeled out accidentally in the parking lot and now I'm pretty sure all the girls that heard want to have sex with me.

My maternal instincts are most apparent when I swing my arm across the other seat to keep my food from falling on the ground when I brake.

I only drink at concerts so I have something to cover my mouth at the parts when I don't know the words.

"I NEVER ASKED TO BE BJÖRN!!" -Swedish kid yelling at his parents.

If you want to see my dirtiest look, board the plane at the last minute and sit in the seat next to me that I thought would be empty.

It woulda been hella gangster if Obama had him frozen in carbonite like Han Solo and rolled that son of a bitch every where he went. #osama

I FOUND STING'S MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE!!!
Opening it now... it says....
"You're a fag."
Wtf? :-(

I don't know, I think Stockholm Syndrome sounds kinda romantic.

If you work for Jason Bateman and have never referred to him as "Master Bateman", you suck at life.

Now I'm not saying I'm white, but I do dance to the lyrics, not the beat.

I totally know within the first five minutes of meeting a guy whether or not I've slept with him before.

When I don't have my phone on me, I feel a phantom vibration in my pocket where it would be. So, yeah... I get it, amputees.

Be sure to wear your university football ring while in your 30's to let everyone know you were the date-rape champion of your college.

I was making fun of hipsters before making fun of hipsters was cool.

Does anybody know how long it takes after adopting the kittens until they produce a YouTube sensation?
(I'm at 2 1/2 weeks & still nothing)

I give way more thumbs up than I'm comfortable with.

Feel free to not tell me how sore you are from working out.

I bet a million bucks Matthew McConaughey uses way too much tongue when he frenches.

Next time you are about to overuse the word "amazing", stop and think for a sec about what it's doing to the magicians.