I came, They saw, I'm not allowed in that church anymore.

Dad played my favorite game on the 3 hour drive. "Read Aloud the Advertised Price of a Gallon of Gas at Every Fucking Gas Station We Pass."

My dogs are never happier to see me than when I return from the strip club. Rock bottom must smell delicious.

So, who is the douchebag that thought it would be wise to put the backpain meds on the bottom fucking shelf at Walmart?

The craftsmanship on my new pair of shoes is appalling. Somewhere, there is an overpaid 8 year old.

How many kittens does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know, but it takes about 3 to make a decent sandwich.

Why did the sweatshop worker cross the road?

He didn't. The chain only reaches the ditch.

Going to a Yahtzee party. I hope that isn't slang for something gay. Well, gayer than Yahtzee.

New shrink appointment tomorrow, followed by weekend of family reunioning. Probably should have scheduled those in a more appropriate order.

Doc: Are you addicted to pornography?
Me: No. I only spend 30% of my income on porn. I'm addicted to housing and food.

One side effect to my new med is delayed ejaculation, which made church this morning even more awkward.

Casting the first stone. Somebody distract Jesus.

Just witnessed a man walk through the bar, stuff his pockets with popcorn, and leave.

So yeah, we're all having a better night than him.

Bonus Pro Tip: Christmas lights may increase the possibility of being caught while peeing outside. Related: My neighbors are fucking prudes.

Just once I would like to have a nice, peaceful evening with my pillows that didn't end in frustrated humping and regret.

Complimented my date on her stylish black dress, her luminously pale skin, her kitschy necklace. Still didn't get any. Fucking nuns.

What a terrible holiday. I don't even know who St. President is.

Would red or white wine pair better with hamburger helper and pizza rolls? I'm asking for a fr...ah, screw it, i'll just have both.

Not quite sure on the Halloween etiquette. Do I check IDs before I hand out cigarettes or not?

People who say the internet is a productivity drain in the workplace are nuts. I just blocked 30 bots. I probably should take a half-day.