When I get sad, I just imagine a T-Rex trying to put a hat on.

French people give me the crêpes.

PMS is just girls ovary acting.

Hipster fish swim in creeks because rivers are too mainstream.

One day chickens will be able to cross the road without their motives being questioned.

6.8 billion people in the world and i had to pleasure myself tonight.

If Vegans cared so much about animals, they wouldn't eat their food.

It would have been pretty funny if Steve Jobs' life support cable was too short to reach his bed and he had to sit on the floor.

I know you've been looking at porn if you're staring at the Google homepage when I walk in.

Just once, I'd like to see a cactus that isn't flexing.

Never noticed this, but, if you rearrange the letters in 'religion' it spells 'hahahahahahahahahahahahaha'.

Typin lyk dis wont make it faster 4 da reader 2 read.

It actually takes longer because we spend more time wishing you were dead.

"Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!"

- Me, throwing sticks at a tree.

I think Bieber Fever is a mild form of Down's Syndrome.

I just Googled 'Nicolas Cage jokes' and it showed me a list of every film he's been in.

Well played, Google.

Yo, Nelly! Kanye buy me a 2Pac of Eminems and Vanilla Ice-T with no Ice Cube? I have to pay Dr. Dre 50 Cent to neuter my Snoop Dogg. Coolio?

If we removed the freckles from Morgan Freeman's face, we'd be able to fill in the missing parts of Seal's face.

i love u, google. pic.twitter.com/AM0htniOsS

I call the toilet at work Mrs. Star Trek, because I just Shatner.

If someone makes you a sandwich with mayonnaise on it, and says it's "made with love", chances are, it's actually semen.