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Snap! I just spilled coffee on my coffee stain.
I think everyone should use the word "besmirch" in a sentence today
Apparently everyone in my town thinks the saying is "Don't THINK and drive."
Air conditioning in office is set to exploding nipple.
Just because I am a single mom, does not mean I am a failure.
Nothing makes me want to smile less than someone telling me to smile.
Just tried to withdraw money from the ATM but all that came out was "HAHAHAHAHA, THAT'S SOME FUNNY SHIT RIGHT THERE!"
The only time my neighbours are aware of property lines is when cutting grass or shoveling snow.
I don't have a problem with caffeine, I have a problem without it
How is such a small house such a disaster ALL the time?!!! Oh right, a 4 year old and Twitter.
If I ask you a question, I'm not interested in the story or explanation or song and dance. I just want ☞THE ANSWER☜.
"We have enough youth. What we need is a fountain of smart."
Totally drunk and eating chips. And by eating I mean spilling everywhere
I should probably put my business cards in a separate section of my purse from my tampons. That guy is totally never going to call now.
Wouldn't it be great if McDonald's Happy Meal toys self-destructed after an hour?
My life is a series of places I needed to be 10 minutes ago.
My super power is going to bed with wet hair and waking up as Medusa.
Three cars stuck at a four-way stop, waving at each other. Sometimes it sucks to be Canadian.
*in the key of A* If you're naughty and you know it clap your hands! *clap clap*
I remember the good old days when my friends tried to get me to booze and smoke pot. Now they're all spin class and baby pushers.