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Whenever you feel like your life isn't working out, just take a deep breath and remember: God doesn't exist so it's definitely your fault
What's that Nicolas Cage movie where he eats an entire bad guy and then fucks an explosion?
I told a crossfit guy the only way to get swole is to chug a gallon of hot dog water and scream-barf it into his wife's mouth. So jacked now
Have you ever noticed that you're reading something pointless right now?
...and in that rock block we had The Republicans with their hit 'tricking stupid poor people to vote against their best interests'
I want to thank everyone I have interacted with so far today for not pointing out the huge booger that is on the fence about leaving my nose
Man. I gotta say I'm sick and tired of these terrorists. They keep terrorizing me, and I am in such terror. It's like, come on guys. Relax.
What's it called when you hear a baby cry and milk shoots out of your nipples? Asking for MY NIPPLES
Just announced: keynote speaker at the Republican National Convention is a huge toilet
Everyone who still listens to Smash Mouth regularly also owns a vape store
Never realized that a statistically significant number of Star Wars fans have lisps
Founder of The Onion. Dog Food Blogger. Atheist Creationist. Inventor of Pasta. Will karate kick your tits off.
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