if your literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well, there's the door

space republicans decree: if alien lifeform implants a egg in ur face,u must carry it to term. perhaps wear a less enticing helmet next time

after u die u do the same life again on a higher difficulty setting. more relationships fail and more loved ones die. certain dogs explode

*bumps into cute girl while typing on calculator* oops! got a bit carried away inventorying my lizards *makes sure she sees the 99999999999*

i sold all my lizards to buy my girlfriend a Toyota Tundra but she sold her drivers license to buy me a awesome obstacle course for lizards

*sea captain violently shakes first mate* WAKE UP MATEY THE KRAKEN IS UPON US "What's a kraken sir!?" NOT MUCH WHATS A-CRACKIN' WITH U

iran all the way here to tell u: i saudi joke u made about the middle east. oman, israelly not funny!! u made light of a syrias issue!!!!

*parks in front of bank* *pulls on ski mask* OK 60 SECONDS DON'T FUCK UP *pretend-skis thru entire bank & back into car* WE'RE GOOD GO GO GO

sad boys sad boys, whatcha gonna do? whatcha gonna do when i comfort u?

ok, yes, we admit we do SOME animal-testing, but ma'am, [pats a dumb dog on it's silly head. doggie just smile] we're a frisbee manufacturer

my OKC answer 4 both "what im doing w/my life" and "the 1st thing ppl notice abt me" is IM LOCKED OUTSIDE PANTOMIMING DOORKNOB USE TO MY CAT

i wish all creatures hid like spiders. like u walk into your closet and a dog falls off the ceiling

don't hate your landlords. they were all just regular people until the night they were bitten by a landlord

#MistakesChristianWomenMake holdin there bible upside down at bible study. droppin their bible cuz its greasy. callin the Bible the Burble

"bawitdaba da bang da bang diggy diggy diggy," quoth the raven, quoth, "up jump the raven"

wanna watch some BARELY LEGAL vids? i got one of a teen smoking medical marijuana for his leukemia & one of Yours Truly turning right on red

every time u meet a cat check out its paws then smirk at whoever's around u and say, No ring ;)

bet the ladies didn't know that in the men's room every urinal has another urinal above it in case u got a buddy on you're shoulders

probly the funniest thing ive ever done is try to hurl a half-eaten banana as hard as i could out my car window but the window was rolled up

i wanna share a letter my landlord left on my door once a few years ago http://t.co/JM8VZTrS