Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
What should we call this one?
How about this one?
You're attracted to whales aren't you, Fred?
Let’s hope the zombie apocalypse doesn’t start in Kenya because there is no way any of us can outrun those fuckers.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min...)
Me: Hi I'm Beyonce
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
MAYBE I'D EAT RAISINS IF THEY WERE MARKETED AS GRAPE ZOMBIES
This is your brain on drugs. These are your brained of drugs. Those drain bugs. Ducks.
Sext: You are a butterfly. I am a caterpillar. Surprise twist, I am Chris Hansen in a caterpillar suit. You are under arrest.
People with tattoos know how to make permanent decisions, so you're basically an idiot if you fall in love with someone without any.
It's impossible to prove that your cat's meows aren't him asking for drum lessons.
MAYBE ITS THE DRUGS TALKING BUT I AM THE HOTDOG MAYOR LET ME HAVE YOUR FLIP FLOPS
Friends are like snowflakes, they gang up on you and tell you you're an alcoholic.
A nice thing to do after you kill an insect is look for a tiny cell phone by the body & call its family to tell them you're a murderer.
ALERT NEW YORKERS: Statue of Liberty is a Trojan horse. French people hiding inside are very patient.
It's not a choice to be gay, they are born that way. . .which means there are gay babies and that is fucking adorable.
Sometimes when you give people a second chance they surprise you with how quickly they need a third chance
It's funny how you keep checking your phone like someone loves you. They don't.
If your name is Carlos I will assume there are two of you. WHERE'S THE OTHER CARLO? Then we'd laugh and laugh, but seriously where is he?
I call the fat people I work with my cow-workers instead of co-workers because it's so hilarious and we all laugh nervously and I'm fat too.
Down comforter. Sit, comforter. GOOD comforter.
ur mom asks why u arent married. u feel bad so u buy her a shirt. it is 12 miles long. she starts folding it. u never hear from her again.
If my heart ever explodes into a million pieces, this piece is yours.