Super annoying when my phone autocorrects what I'm trying to say into words that actually exist.

Someday... RT @inturnaround: Do you think one of these days @themoth will win their war against notes?

I like all the shades of green just fine, I just hate the way the greener grass is always trippin' me up. Stupid greener grass.

Remember how good nostalgia used to be?

I don't buy the word "thx". More like "I'm not even thankful enough to type a whole word for you."

It's Friday afternoon. I need to be entertained, or distracted, or seduced away from the drudgery. Or crowned or idolized or spoiled.

Don't wait, the time will never be just right.

You take the high road and I'll take the low road and I'll get to eat her out before you.

it is braver to be gentle. you think it's tough to throw everyone away. no. it is braver to be gentle.

Oedipal Arrangements must make a killing on Mother's Day.

If obesity is such a public health "epidemic", how come I can't fucking call in "obese" to work every day and stay home to work out?

Internet boyfriends are the new cats.

I'm trying REALLY hard to refrain from sending some happy tweets that 94% of you will totally hate. That deserves some credit, right?

Daily Bible verses on Facebook are the reasons I don't believe in god anymore.

You cannot get more Caucasian than a Chechen.

Sesame Street is really fucking boring when you already know how to spell.

People use occasions like this to bust out dark humor like it's a Zippo lighter their stepdad gave 'em. "Yo, check it out! I'm a grown up!"

I'm a Cabbage Patch Kid in the streets, but a Garbage Pail Kid in the sheets.

When I get new followers I yell into the ether "See dad, people love me!" And then I eat ice cream, cry, and ponder the root of my issues.

A really terrible prank to pull on someone would be to update their Google+ status when they're not looking, because NOBODY WOULD NOTICE.