You know you've found yourself a keeper when you roofie each other.

Hey people that don't get my jokes or find them offensive...I hear Egypt is nice this time of year.

Facebook: A place where people type a lot, but never say anything to each other in person.

I speak fluent sarcasm pretty good, but I speak fluent assholism much better.

Jesus I think I sneezed out half of my brains today, and that was the half I used haha

Ugly is just a word, but being ugly that's a whole different world. #imgladimnotugly

Don't waste your breath and I won't waste my hate on you

If I ask how you are, I'm just pretending to make small talk. And I'll probably stare blankly into space until you think I care.

Had my twitter since 2007… 6 years later I'm still not even sure why I have it

Sometimes you just have to follow your heart... even if it falls into your pants

Never give a girl a high 5 after sex, unless you plan on walking out of the room giving her the double pistols, and by room i mean her life.

I'm not mentally ill, I just have a slight case of brain flu.

Found a dirty deed for the devil to do, I'll get back to you with details tomorrow

It's time to come to terms that the care bears never gave a shit, the only time I saw the care bear stare was on tv, screw you care bears.

Do you always look that big in a bathing suit or is the sun just bringing out your fat ass?

If I got a dollar for every time I didn't give a fuck, I'd be rich... and still not give a fuck.

just re-lived one of my fat boy days and ate a couple slices of summer sausage...talk about spiked hair and bad clothes flashback.

Coffee, prozac, valium, and oatmeal...God I love having a mentally unstable breakfast.

I question my maturity level every time I hear the word "Shaft" I laugh to myself

I hate it when girls say "Why are you so obsessed with sex?" I just say if you were good at it you would be too.