When I dance it's to make a statement, and that statement is Xanthe's had too much to drink.

I've bought a dog for protection...against unwanted pregnancies and STD's.

I'M HERE ALL WEEK!

I've written 'otter' instead of 'other' three times in this essay which is what I get for Googling otters instead of concentrating.

roses are red, violets are blue, fuck you whore

Pork flavoured popcorn. Porkcorn. I'll let myself out

I need some advice because a doctor has been stood at my window all day and this apple isn't doing shit

I see I was the only one with the brain to wear a see through blouse to this interview

My dog's just whispered in my ear that he wishes he was human again

Been described as both frigid AND a slut. Come on guys make a decision, I can't be both.

Everyone in my family thinks i need money for drugs :(

If more people listened to me there would be no more wars.

Harry Potter is such a cry baby. 'ooh my parents are dead, ooh my family hate me' we all have problems but you have magic to fix em you twat

Just missed my fucking bus cos i was reading twitter. It was a double decker too, salt in the wound

Nothing unites people more than the mutual hatred of someone.

apricots, made of real apes

Don't work in retail if you want to continue liking people

Omg, I'm eating and my dog isn't begging. I REPEAT, HE IS NOT BEGGING. What should I do? What's the emergency vet number? WE'RE LOSING HIM!

Dr Pepper tastes like watered down bone marrow

Bus better arrive in the next minute or I'm throwing my sister down a well

People never spread nice rumours about me like 'Xanthe is excellent conversation' or 'Xanthe has a good eye for property investments'.