I'm sorry I'm late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the fuck he was protecting his eyes from.

Ewoks are just homeless Care Bears that sold their magical powers for meth.

If Bruce Willis doesn't whisper "Yippy ki-yay, motherfucker" into a chick's ear right before he cums, he isn't as cool as I thought he was.

If I ever go to prison, I'm just going to start snapping cucumbers in half with my butthole during lunch, screaming "Who want's some?!?!"

When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says "I'll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy"

"Yo, somebody filled this calzone with a checkbook and sunglasses!"

-Vin Diesel eating a purse

Whoever cast J-Lo in the movie "Anaconda" was a genius because anacondas don't want none unless you got buns, hun.

Polar bears would probably murder more humans if they knew that rich people had sex on their dead relatives next to fireplaces.

The University of Phoenix's mascot is just a guy struggling to open a can of tuna.

Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman's 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she's ready.

I'd like to return this pack of gum. They taste awful.
"Sir, those are Band-Aids."
Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids. Someone ate some.

If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he'd scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.

Maybe Sarah McLachlan let the dogs out.

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

The 20 Piece McNugget Value Meal should come with another lonely fat person to be your friend.

I'd watch more baseball games if they hid one land mine in the outfield.

I hope weed gets legalized soon because I bet the weed commercials would be hilarious.

If we're in a pool and I slowly start circling you, I'm making a ring of pee around you and you'll have to swim through it to get out.

My girlfriend hates when I say "I've got a surprise for you... in my pants.", then I unzip my pants and a squirrel jumps out and bites her.

I'm going to drop some acid, pop a Black Sabbath cassette tape in my Teddy Ruxpin, and listen to whatever the demonic bear tells me to do.