My Inner Child just lit my Spirit Animal's tail on fire.

Could someone feed these illiterates and children clogging up Twitter to the fail whale?

Does anybody else always feel like the teacher stepped out of the room and left our class alone for too long?

Is Bacon a separate food group yet, or still just a condiment?

My Inner Child won't clean my Spirit Animal's litter box.

Happy New Year…here's to hot coffee, crisp bacon, easy Mondays, funny tweets, great people and say thanks to all your Moms

Isn't the whole reason we are all here on Twitter that we have already alienated all our IRL social contacts with our "humor"?

Twitter is kind of like the Witness Protection Program for Facebook

My two cats struggling to be the one first outside always remind me of Archie Bunker and Meathead going through a door.

Wow, I've been blocked by two people I don't follow who never followed me!

Think what could happen if anybody actually read my posts…

Does anybody else just figure that @tammyphinney is rubbing on lotion down a well in @thebosha 's basement?

What always bothers me about plagiarism is.… I'd wonder if he got more stars on it than I did?

We never should have released the Kraken. He's been gone for weeks now. I think I'm going to rent out his room to someone else.

My spirit animal is a fail whale

I picked Elvis up from outside the building

Been married 16yrs. today. I not only remembered the date, I got her a gift and everything.

16 *is* the "Mow the Lawn" Anniversary, right?

Who left their drunken panda in the bathroom last night?

My Inner Child watched "Animal House" last night and now wants me to call him Senator Blutarski

The crowd that watches "Deal Or No Deal" is probably the same one that pulled for the lions in the Colosseum.

I'm drinking my coffee from the Holy Grail right now. I couldn't find my sippy-cup