Game of Thrones reminds me of twitter a lot because there are 140 characters and terrible things are constantly happening

It's illegal to shine a laser pointer at a plane because a cat might attack the plane

"Are you pro gay?" he asked. "Amateur at best," I replied

Cops are legally required to tell you what their favourite movie is, otherwise it's Entrapment (1999)

Mirror mirror on the floor, who's the worst at home decor?

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It's always the same angel. It's covered in wings now and wants to die but can't

A train labeled "Your Tweets" pulls into the station. "All are bored!" yells the conductor, flipping you off

You are watching anime. Your eyes widen in surprise. They keep widening. Soon you are an anime. Someone watches you. Their eyes widen

"Minesweeper!" — a boring person's favourite game or an angry German custodian yelling at teens who stole his broom

I brushed my fingers on the dying bully's cheek. "I never stopped hitting myself," I whispered

"Dad, what's 'gay marriage'?" "It's something bad that used to exist but luckily cultural warriors like me ate a chicken sandwich."

"What's your favourite bird?" "Booby." "Don't be immature." "Swallow." "Ok, that's en—" "Dickbird." "That's not even a real—" "Tit"

I restored my iPhone to factory settings and now there's a sad little Chinese kid holding it. :(

Apple unveils new iPad nano. "It's in your stomach already," says Apple rep, tossing a dagger to the audience. "Go get it."

"My mouth is half full of blood" — dying optimist

People make fun of Canadians for saying "sorry" a lot but it's because we're from the future and we know what we do to the rest of you

Hey kids, eat your vegetables! Eat the other kids' vegetables too and then you will prosper and they will die

Before the dotted line was invented, people would just sign all over the place. So many wasted signatures! "Who signed this bagel?!"

Gather 'round, children! Once upon a time, there was a group of such ugly children that I'm actually going to need you all to move back

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered