To the girl at Starbucks: stop piercing your face, you're fucking up the wifi in here.

Dave?
Yes Alvin.
I want to kill you.
-Chipmunks singing the Doors.

Just once I want to fight someone trying to climb up the same helicopter ladder as me.

To the guy with the corn rows and neck tattoo: no, we're not hiring.

On my gravestone it will read, in the smallest possible engraving, "If you can read this, get the fuck off of me."

Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing". Fucking idiots.

If you don't like my grimace, go get your own fucking purple suit and do it right.

I can't remember the last time I had alzheimer's.

I think I've jerked off into the toilet too much. I just felt something kick from inside the tank.

My boots are made out of old David Lee Roth.

Does 50 cents a day really feed starving African aids babies? What the fuck do they eat, Bazooka Joe and Fireballs?

Propped up a dead raccoon on the side of the road so it's standing and waving to passing cars.

I wish there were more female rapists.

Once I send you a dick pic I'm pretty much out of shit to say.

I wish they would integrate bears into ultimate fighting.

If an older black woman dates a younger man she's called a panther.

Ever wish a pumpkin had a vagina? I'm not saying I do, but that would be something, huh?

A fantastic way to meet interesting girls is to be a drug dealer.

Remember when people used to remember stuff?

"Tell me more about your fascinating children." - fucking nobody