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To the girl at Starbucks: stop piercing your face, you're fucking up the wifi in here.
I want to kill you.
-Chipmunks singing the Doors.
Just once I want to fight someone trying to climb up the same helicopter ladder as me.
To the guy with the corn rows and neck tattoo: no, we're not hiring.
On my gravestone it will read, in the smallest possible engraving, "If you can read this, get the fuck off of me."
Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing". Fucking idiots.
If you don't like my grimace, go get your own fucking purple suit and do it right.
I can't remember the last time I had alzheimer's.
I think I've jerked off into the toilet too much. I just felt something kick from inside the tank.
My boots are made out of old David Lee Roth.
Does 50 cents a day really feed starving African aids babies? What the fuck do they eat, Bazooka Joe and Fireballs?
Propped up a dead raccoon on the side of the road so it's standing and waving to passing cars.
I wish there were more female rapists.
Once I send you a dick pic I'm pretty much out of shit to say.
I wish they would integrate bears into ultimate fighting.
If an older black woman dates a younger man she's called a panther.
Ever wish a pumpkin had a vagina? I'm not saying I do, but that would be something, huh?
A fantastic way to meet interesting girls is to be a drug dealer.
Remember when people used to remember stuff?
"Tell me more about your fascinating children." - fucking nobody