I bet it's tough being a police sketch artist in China.

I don't like mornings because that's when old people are the strongest.

X-Rated bouncy castles need to be a thing.

You know things must've gotten serious when you see a gold hoop earring laying in the Walmart parking lot.

Try sweeping up a piece of wet lettuce. That will piss you off for an hour or so.

Next time someone in a haunted house tries to scare you, touch noses & say "I will fuck you in your sleep tonight".

Why do people suddenly find the gas pedal when you go to pass them?

If I have to stir it, it’s homemade.

Men think they have it bad, but they're not the ones having to hold their boobs when they run.

You mean so much to me, that if we had a zombie apocalypse, I'd eat your legs first so you could still masturbate.

You're a good man if:

1. You give piggy back rides.

2. You eat the burnt grilled cheese.

3. You make animal noises to make her smile.

I feel important when I make you smile.

I have never read so much in my life until Twitter.

When I kiss you, my soul grabs your soul's butt.

You smell like unicorns fucking on a rainy day.

I RT a lot because that’s how you found me, fuckface.

Twitter is the spoon.
Favstar is the crack.

Never helicopter on the first date.

Get comfortable. You’re gonna be in my head for awhile.

If you develop a rash from your new girlfriend then discontinue use immediately.