My biggest fear is dropping my phone in the toilet and not being able to take a picture of it.

Don't worry, beer belly, momma's gonna feed you and throw away all those clothes in the closet that aren't our friends anymore.

My family's coming over today. Can't wait to find out all the things I'm doing wrong!

Tip: If you get up early enough on the weekend you can have two breakfasts and no one is the wiser.

The only drinking problem I have is that sometimes a little shower water gets in the can.

You're my biggest fan, ceiling fan.

My superpower is waking up one minute before my alarm goes off. It is a very stupid superpower.

WARNING FAMILY MEMBER INTERESTED IN TWITTER WARNING FAMILY MEMBER INTERESTED IN TWITTER WARNING FAMILY MEMBER INTERESTED IN TWITTER WARNING

Hey, old people, you already said that.

Ever wake up and want to go directly back to dead?

RT if you got pregnant just to get out of cleaning the litter box.

I know what I'm getting all my Mayan friends for Christmas!

The best thing about Puerto Rican television is that one day I'll die.

I almost caught a friend tonight! Made… I meant made.

My mom's coming to visit so my shopping list says "paper towels" eight hundred thousand times.

I've got nothing. Except for mosquito bites. I've got lots of those.

Well, I've been on the Internet going on ten years and not one unsolicited dick pic. :(

What does one wear to the end of one's rope?

1. Add beige towels to shopping list.
2. Die a little.

I've followed a lot of people on accident not you tho