Who are you to tell me that ASAP doesn't mean "as slow as possible", the fucking captain of acronyms?

Today's forecast looks like a full overcast of "fuck this" and a 70% chance of alcohol before noon.

Being a pretentious asshole is way more fun than you'd think. You wouldn't understand, though.

I spell out all of my words because contractions are for pregnant women.

You can only listen to dubstep for so long until you forget what you're doing and start mindlessly beating people to death with your fists.

So apparently playing Pokémon while driving is illegal? I didn't know I was in THE SOVIET UNION.

My first move as president would be to outlaw casserole because seriously what the fuck is that shit?

Hey honey, could you pick up a jar of suck my dick on your way home? Also, your mom called.

Look Ma, no friends.

Just took a MASSIVE shit in Target and now my favorite cashier, Jessica, is measuring it to see if I won the free shopping spree.

Happy ten year anniversary, alcoholism! You've made this last decade we've spent together a very special one.

Showing the girl at the McDonalds drive-thru your penis does not result in free McDonalds.

Siri, send Katy Perry another lock of my hair with the words "I love you" cut out of an old newspaper.

Just listened to a WHOLE Maroon 5 album in the parking lot of a closed Jamba Juice and now I'm crying and wishing I was still 23.

Why was the boy sad?

He had a frog stapled to his face.

HEY. You guys are incredibly smart and witty and I need ya to help me come up with something perfect to say to my catholic family today. GO!

got drunk on hand sanitizer at ikea once

The guy who invented caps lock was probably a giant piece of shit.

Autocorrect is a mother ducking piece of shot.

The guy who plays the harmonica in prison is that same guy who drops the soap "on accident" in the prison showers.