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Who are you to tell me that ASAP doesn't mean "as slow as possible", the fucking captain of acronyms?
Today's forecast looks like a full overcast of "fuck this" and a 70% chance of alcohol before noon.
Being a pretentious asshole is way more fun than you'd think. You wouldn't understand, though.
So apparently playing Pokémon while driving is illegal? I didn't know I was in THE SOVIET UNION.
I spell out all of my words because contractions are for pregnant women.
Look Ma, no friends.
You can only listen to dubstep for so long until you forget what you're doing and start mindlessly beating people to death with your fists.
Hey honey, could you pick up a jar of suck my dick on your way home? Also, your mom called.
Showing the girl at the McDonalds drive-thru your penis does not result in free McDonalds.
got drunk on hand sanitizer at ikea once
Kinda neat how people can name their dogs human names nowadays and sometimes shoot their wife and kids and then themselves.
Funny how everything seems to make more sense when you're sitting in your own blood at a Wendy's drivethru
Autocorrect is a mother ducking piece of shot.
Why was the boy sad?
He had a frog stapled to his face.
Siri, send Katy Perry another lock of my hair with the words "I love you" cut out of an old newspaper.
Simon Cowell said "I'm not finished with Paula Abdul". I think it's because she's still alive. He's british you know.
My first move as president would be to outlaw casserole because seriously what the fuck is that shit?
Your name is Chris Brown #reasonstobeatyourgirlfriend
I'd say lets cuddle but I don't really cuddle I just awkwardly shrivel and grope and squirm.