"Ahhh right there! Yes! Yes!
Right there!
Don't stop!!" - GPS system with a "sex voice" option.

I wish Google+ came with "How The Fuck Does This Shit Work??" and "There's A Point To This, We Promise." buttons.

The reason Jamie Lee Curtis freaked out so much when she switched bodies with Lindsay Lohan is because her bowels weren't regulated anymore.

I wish someone loved me as much as I hate everyone.

What kind of lunch boxes do super heroes take to school?

Nice try, 'straight' guys with tongue rings.

I just learned that smashing eggs on the kitchen floor & dancing around in my underwear is not acceptable "make yourself at home" behavior.

My favorite Brad Pitt movie is the one where he eats things.

complaining about how broken you are on the internet is like pouring a bottle of water into the ocean while it's raining

I don't think of myself as "underfollowed." I prefer "secret gem of Twitter that if discovered would make everyone dangerous with jealousy."

If you watch this joke backwards, it's a shitty punchline followed by a shitty overused format.

I learned today that my school was built on an Indian burial ground.

USA! USA! USA!

I throw my hands up in the air sometimes and it never ceases to amaze me that I have detachable hands.

I've been internet single since before the internet was invented.

"You're one in a million!" said the guy to some other guy in a group of 999,998 other people.

If Henry Winkler became president, that would be one hell of a Party in the U.S. Eyyyy!

We all started at the same place: Desperate need for validation, no followers, and an egg avi that we weren't sure about changing.

Milk and chocolate syrup: The greatest story of interracial love against all odds the world has ever known.

Wow I love not being a desperate slut.

You can talk about the meaning of life and I won't remember a word you said because I was undressing your British accent in my mind.