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If there's an oil spill, the 52% of people that didn't vote should be in charge of cleaning it up.
I never went to university but from what I gathered from the brochures there's a lot of lying on your back on the grass in a circle
The conservatives are partying at science world. Seems ironic they would do it in a place that supports arts, science, and education.
Whenever I'm by myself in a room I will periodically say out loud "you're the worst ninja" just in case there are any ninjas.
7-11 really throws the word "fresh" around and I don't think they understand what it means at all.
Just saw a guy who was balding but also had dreadlocks. I didn't know what to do. I made a wish.
If you came 4th in the olympics for running, Why not become a purse thief? the 3 people faster than you probably aren't cops.
I gotta admit, as a teenager I thought being single in your mid twenties would be a lot more like mambo number 5
Really? Cocaine is still a thing? I thought Robocop put a stop to that back in the 80s.
Sometimes my hair is too good to go to bed.
Hey Everyone! Merry Christmas, My stand up special is now FREE to download until Dec 16th: http://thestandupcomedians.com/ivan-deckers-comedy-special-the-perfect-holiday-gift/ …
Every Tim Horton's in the country has a built in interrogation room in the back in case we capture a Russian Spy. #CanadaDayFunFacts
Everyone I know has a sunburn. That's how much we miss sun in #Vancouver we will let it physically harm us because we're so glad it's back.
Yep, you're probably right. "Rap Battle" definitely sounds more hardcore than "Poem Fight"
Lots of people don't vote and then get mad at election results. I'm the same way. I never do the dishes but I yell at my sink all the time.
The samsung galaxy s3 is a great phone because if you ever stay up late drinking the battery will die before you can start calling ex gfs.
The French word for "pomegranate" is "grenade". I'm not saying it's weird. I'm just saying world war 2 must have been very confusing.
I just had a dream I was in seattle but I was using my cellphone. I'm sure Rogers will now find a way to charge me for "dream roaming"
Always keep a stock of canned goods cause you never know when you'll get weird adult acne and have to stay in your apartment for 3 days
Ivan Decker : Comedian / Tiger Uppercut Enthusiast. I like staying up late, sleeping in, and coffee. I know those don't go together