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If there's an oil spill, the 52% of people that didn't vote should be in charge of cleaning it up.
I never went to university but from what I gathered from the brochures there's a lot of lying on your back on the grass in a circle
The conservatives are partying at science world. Seems ironic they would do it in a place that supports arts, science, and education.
Whenever I'm by myself in a room I will periodically say out loud "you're the worst ninja" just in case there are any ninjas.
7-11 really throws the word "fresh" around and I don't think they understand what it means at all.
Just saw a guy who was balding but also had dreadlocks. I didn't know what to do. I made a wish.
If you came 4th in the olympics for running, Why not become a purse thief? the 3 people faster than you probably aren't cops.
Every time I sip this water I look at the clouds to let them know I'm drinking their children
Guys, um, God found out about all the life hacking we've been doing and needless to say he's pissed. Pretty sure he's gonna sue buzzfeed
I got really drunk last night and texted some ex girlfriends but I didn't go to McDonald's and I'm proud of that
I've spent this week giving my name at McDonald's and Starbucks as "Rheagar Targaryen" it's been met with little resistance
I gotta admit, as a teenager I thought being single in your mid twenties would be a lot more like mambo number 5
Really? Cocaine is still a thing? I thought Robocop put a stop to that back in the 80s.
Sometimes my hair is too good to go to bed.
The French word for "pomegranate" is "grenade". I'm not saying it's weird. I'm just saying world war 2 must have been very confusing.
Quitting coffee for a week was the best thing I've ever done to increase how much I like coffee.
Lots of people don't vote and then get mad at election results. I'm the same way. I never do the dishes but I yell at my sink all the time.
Hey Everyone! Merry Christmas, My stand up special is now FREE to download until Dec 16th: http://thestandupcomedians.com/ivan-deckers-comedy-special-the-perfect-holiday-gift/ …
Award-winning Comedian / Tiger Uppercut Enthusiast / Recalcitrant. Based in Vancouver. I make jokes happen some of the time.