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If there's an oil spill, the 52% of people that didn't vote should be in charge of cleaning it up.
I never went to university but from what I gathered from the brochures there's a lot of lying on your back on the grass in a circle
The conservatives are partying at science world. Seems ironic they would do it in a place that supports arts, science, and education.
Whenever I'm by myself in a room I will periodically say out loud "you're the worst ninja" just in case there are any ninjas.
Sometimes I wear a suit and ride a Vespa because occasionally i like to look like a magazine ad for very thin cigarettes
7-11 really throws the word "fresh" around and I don't think they understand what it means at all.
New Years day should be the one time that McDonald's sells breakfast for the entire day.
Watching music videos from the 90s makes you think that's when they invented fish-eye lenses and the color silver.
Just saw a guy who was balding but also had dreadlocks. I didn't know what to do. I made a wish.
I ride a vespa because I like two things: inhaling exhaust and disappointing women.
with another year of corporates coming to a close may I say, on behalf of all comedians, to the "funny guy" at the office: go fuck yourself.
If you came 4th in the olympics for running, Why not become a purse thief? the 3 people faster than you probably aren't cops.
Every time I sip this water I look at the clouds to let them know I'm drinking their children
Guys, um, God found out about all the life hacking we've been doing and needless to say he's pissed. Pretty sure he's gonna sue buzzfeed
I got really drunk last night and texted some ex girlfriends but I didn't go to McDonald's and I'm proud of that
I've spent this week giving my name at McDonald's and Starbucks as "Rheagar Targaryen" it's been met with little resistance
A Facebook app where it filters out vague passive aggressive status updates
I gotta admit, as a teenager I thought being single in your mid twenties would be a lot more like mambo number 5
Award-winning Comedian / Tiger Uppercut Enthusiast / Recalcitrant. Modern day swashbuckler. Based in Vancouver.
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