I like to fantasize about how my life would be if I had any idea of what I was doing.

I'm no artist, but I can overdraw my bank account.

Sometimes I sleep in a collared shirt in case I sleepwalk into a fancy dinner.

You should see the face I make when people ask me to do things.

I'm sitting under a sign that says "No Cellular Phones" tweeting this. All I need is a little Rebel Yell and I'm some kind of hero.

No, it doesn't make me feel better, it just hurts me differently.

Sometimes I go into the supermarket and slap all of the wrapped meats. It is therapeutic. You should hear me laughing.

Is it racist if I don't like black ice?

At the height of sexual passion, I look into a lady's eyes and say "I got this really great coupon for Pledge, can you use it?"

If I keep hearing Christmas music in the office, they are going to be hearing sirens.

@peterbyrnes Why do you have to kill him? You could just Ponch him out instead.

I feel that the harder I push on the iPhone screen, the more serious I'll be taken.

I don't mind if you're happy, I just wish you would do it somewhere else. Like under a bus.

Twitter is very exciting this morning with all of the Tumblr refugees being funny. Like a Twent City. With comedians.

This long distance relationship has gotten more difficult since I broke my binoculars.

Like the good friend I am, I wait patiently for his good mood to crescendo on a Friday, then I bring up his ex.

It's raining. Quick! Hand me my umbrella drink!

You may have the right of way, but I have pretty good insurance.

I have a Queen size bed, but there isn't even enough room for the drums.

Sometimes a red light I hold my horn down and act like it isn't me.