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I like to fantasize about how my life would be if I had any idea of what I was doing.
I'm no artist, but I can overdraw my bank account.
Sometimes I sleep in a collared shirt in case I sleepwalk into a fancy dinner.
You should see the face I make when people ask me to do things.
I'm sitting under a sign that says "No Cellular Phones" tweeting this. All I need is a little Rebel Yell and I'm some kind of hero.
No, it doesn't make me feel better, it just hurts me differently.
Sometimes I go into the supermarket and slap all of the wrapped meats. It is therapeutic. You should hear me laughing.
Is it racist if I don't like black ice?
At the height of sexual passion, I look into a lady's eyes and say "I got this really great coupon for Pledge, can you use it?"
If I keep hearing Christmas music in the office, they are going to be hearing sirens.
I feel that the harder I push on the iPhone screen, the more serious I'll be taken.
I don't mind if you're happy, I just wish you would do it somewhere else. Like under a bus.
Twitter is very exciting this morning with all of the Tumblr refugees being funny. Like a Twent City. With comedians.
This long distance relationship has gotten more difficult since I broke my binoculars.
Like the good friend I am, I wait patiently for his good mood to crescendo on a Friday, then I bring up his ex.
It's raining. Quick! Hand me my umbrella drink!
You may have the right of way, but I have pretty good insurance.
I have a Queen size bed, but there isn't even enough room for the drums.
Sometimes a red light I hold my horn down and act like it isn't me.