It's ok Dexter will get her.

Selena Gomez dating Justin Bieber is a hell of a way to tell her parents she's a lesbian.

If Kevin Bacon doesn't refer to his children as bacon bits than fuck him.

The man sitting next to me in Starbucks is watching porn on his laptop.

Just to make it equally awkward I started masturbating to it.

I won't be impressed with science until I can download a waffle.

The Bible should be one page that says Don't be an asshole

"This isn't my first rodeo." - Guy at his second rodeo.

Know why black people like chicken wings and grape pop? Cause it's fucking delicious you racist fucks.

"I high fived a shark, and then we ate burritos." - Martin Luther King Jr.'s other dream.

You could swap a baby mummy with a burrito and the mummy parents would never know stupid mummies

America: Our nation is divided our government is corrupt and our kids are dumb, but we have eight shows about cake so we're better than you.

It's 2011, microwaves should have one button that says Cook Shit.

Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I've only done that with pizza

I like to keep a picture of myself in my wallet so when people show me pictures of their kids I can show them a pic of me not giving a shit.

Just seen a dude buying axe body spray. Something tells me his favorite sexual position is nonconsensual.

I can only imagine Hugh Hefner ejaculating is like a really weak firecracker going off in a bag of flour.

What made John Mayer quit twitter, and can we use it to get him to quit music?

My mom just sent me four chain emails and an inspirational quote. I responded with eight links to nursing homes.

Waiting for her response.

When I post a tweet that I think is really funny, I drop my phone like a rapper would do in a rap battle.

What if robots dance normal and we've just looked like assholes this while time