I think I need glasses. Today, I saw a man with a weedwhacker down the street and thought "That man is really aggressively walking his dog!"

Every day around this time, the highschoolers are let loose and begin to walk home. I think this is what a zombie apocalypse would look like

Have you ever had a really funny tweet idea that made you look bad & considered just throwing "RT" to the end of it to get off the hook? o0!

She recently got implanted with an an IUD. No no no...it's the opposite of an IED... she's NO LONGER a ticking time bomb.

I think I'm going to make my employer sign a non-disclosure agreement. Becuase I will inevitably spill coffee on myself and split my pants.

Ate hot dogs, drank beer and watched them set off dozens of bottle rockets at once. I'm 1 eagle tattoo away from total Americanization.

Ever have a strange pause in the conversation when you just KNOW the other person is sitting there, googling the word you just used?

Growing up in a household of tongue-tied immigrants and unapologetic geeks inevitably led us to calling it "chewbacca bread"

"Hey LADY! Get your ass over here RIGHT NOW!" My ex calls me Lady, which, I found out the hard way, is also the name of the neighbor's dog.

"Candidates must be flexible and highly energetic" You stretch and like redbull, sure, but in this economy we really expect yoga and cocaine

@rationalists I think: fill planes with a euphoric sedative, wake everyone up 15 minutes before landing. Serve warm cookies.

What do you call a dinosaur working on his PHD dissertation? A thesaurus. What do you call a dino after his PHD? A profesaur.

Me:Poland's won 6 medals in these games &14 medals in the history of the winter Olympics! Him: you guys finally caught up to Michael Phelps

Advice: If you get lightly rear-ended, don't repair it. You never know when you'll be late for something and will need a viable excuse.

U know the saying "don't bring your work home"? The inverse applies. I'm looking at u @msteciuk, with that toothbrush in the office bathroom

I've passively quit jogging but I've also passively quit drinking. "Could you run out for some beer?" "Absolutely no"

This house for sale describes itself as having "in-law quarters". I take it that means it has a detached garage.

The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else, someone huge, to squat on top of you and keep you from reaching the phone.

OH: 60% of my Facebook feed is babies. 30% is people acting like babies. 10% is people typing like babies.

Being up at 6:30 am feels somewhat like being born. I'm alert, cold, and in tears. Hello working world!