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There’s a party in my pants and you’re inviHELLO THE COASTERS ARE THERE FOR A REASON WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
I think there's a smudge on.̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨.̸̸̨̨my screen! Oh wait, no, it's moving with the text as Twitter refreshes.
Just tried to log on to Twitter on my iPad. Turns out it was an Etch-A-Sketch and I don't even own an iPad.
Also, I'm out of vodka.
I support abortion.
Only in cases where it’s absolutely necessary though, like when someone is pregnant and they don’t want to be anymore.
I probably make 2 or 3 Freudian slips a gay.
My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish… She used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a fucking bitch all the time.
Good handjob tips:
1. Put your mouth on it.
I just bought a scotch that's old enough to buy it's own scotch.
Hey Melbourne Instagrammers, I haven’t seen a screen grab of your weather app yet, what does it look like?
A new study finds that people who feel lonely don't sleep as soundly because it's hard to get comfortable with all those cats in your bed.
Ego and super-ego walk into a bar. Bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see some id.”
Game of Thrones Drinking Game.
Rule 1: Drink until it stops hurting.
Tomorrow’s news: Obama brings back Firefly, Lost. Cancels Two and a Half Men, Big Bang Theory.
“How can I make this about me?” - the internet.
Good to see you enjoying all of the things you wouldn’t, couldn’t, and didn’t have time for doing, with me.
Exit the womb, they said
Life will be great, they said.
Marshmallows don’t dissolve, they use hot chocolate as a means to teleport to their homeworld.
I just made a milkshake, now there's all these dudes hanging out in my front yard. Bloody hell.
M.C. Escher constantly walks into a bar.
Random girl from IG posts selfie wearing a Coffee Emporium shirt. Walk to nearest Coffee Emporium. She's working. Total stalk time: 80 secs.