There’s a party in my pants and you’re inviHELLO THE COASTERS ARE THERE FOR A REASON WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

I think there's a smudge on.̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨.̸̸̨̨my screen! Oh wait, no, it's moving with the text as Twitter refreshes.

Just tried to log on to Twitter on my iPad. Turns out it was an Etch-A-Sketch and I don't even own an iPad.

Also, I'm out of vodka.

I support abortion.

Only in cases where it’s absolutely necessary though, like when someone is pregnant and they don’t want to be anymore.

I probably make 2 or 3 Freudian slips a gay.

My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish… She used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a fucking bitch all the time.

Good handjob tips:

1. Put your mouth on it.

I just bought a scotch that's old enough to buy it's own scotch.

Hey Melbourne Instagrammers, I haven’t seen a screen grab of your weather app yet, what does it look like?

A new study finds that people who feel lonely don't sleep as soundly because it's hard to get comfortable with all those cats in your bed.

Ego and super-ego walk into a bar. Bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see some id.”

Tomorrow’s news: Obama brings back Firefly, Lost. Cancels Two and a Half Men, Big Bang Theory.

“How can I make this about me?” - the internet.

Exit the womb, they said

Life will be great, they said.

Marshmallows don’t dissolve, they use hot chocolate as a means to teleport to their homeworld.

I just made a milkshake, now there's all these dudes hanging out in my front yard. Bloody hell.

M.C. Escher constantly walks into a bar.

Random girl from IG posts selfie wearing a Coffee Emporium shirt. Walk to nearest Coffee Emporium. She's working. Total stalk time: 80 secs.

What do you call a Spanish guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

Yeah I’ll be here all night.

I like my women how I like my glasses: sitting on my face.