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There’s a party in my pants and you’re inviHELLO THE COASTERS ARE THERE FOR A REASON WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
I think there's a smudge on.̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨.̸̸̨̨my screen! Oh wait, no, it's moving with the text as Twitter refreshes.
Just tried to log on to Twitter on my iPad. Turns out it was an Etch-A-Sketch and I don't even own an iPad.
Also, I'm out of vodka.
I support abortion.
Only in cases where it’s absolutely necessary though, like when someone is pregnant and they don’t want to be anymore.
I probably make 2 or 3 Freudian slips a gay.
My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish… She used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a fucking bitch all the time.
Good handjob tips:
1. Put your mouth on it.
I just bought a scotch that's old enough to buy it's own scotch.
Hey Melbourne Instagrammers, I haven’t seen a screen grab of your weather app yet, what does it look like?
A new study finds that people who feel lonely don't sleep as soundly because it's hard to get comfortable with all those cats in your bed.
Ego and super-ego walk into a bar. Bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see some id.”
Game of Thrones Drinking Game.
Rule 1: Drink until it stops hurting.
Tomorrow’s news: Obama brings back Firefly, Lost. Cancels Two and a Half Men, Big Bang Theory.
“How can I make this about me?” - the internet.
Exit the womb, they said
Life will be great, they said.
Marshmallows don’t dissolve, they use hot chocolate as a means to teleport to their homeworld.
I just made a milkshake, now there's all these dudes hanging out in my front yard. Bloody hell.
M.C. Escher constantly walks into a bar.
Random girl from IG posts selfie wearing a Coffee Emporium shirt. Walk to nearest Coffee Emporium. She's working. Total stalk time: 80 secs.
What do you call a Spanish guy with a rubber toe?
Yeah I’ll be here all night.