I'm so single my cat has a cat.

URGENT: Looking for a quick way to unsuck a dick.

This recliner and I go way back.

Humanity invented the word "broth" because chicken "juice" sounds totally fucked.

Is it overkill to dramatically kiss your finger guns and pretend shoot the toilet after you take a dump?

If I don’t get laid soon I’m going to keep waiting.

The best sex makes you feel like you’re acting out of self-defense.

Starting the practice of loudly moaning, "I’M GONNA COME", right before I walk into any room.

Vodka mixes well with just about everything, except decisions.

Apparently people that say, “I can’t thank you enough” have never heard of infinity blow jobs.

I could watch fat people getting out of cars all day long.

I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a shopaholic that only buys alcohol.

“Don’t try this at home” is insensitive to homeless people. So I propose replacing it with, “We all gotta die someday, retards, go for it.”

Caring is an elaborate scam perpetrated by horny people.

Flirting with someone that’s married is like killing someone after they’re dead.

It’s not normal to hear the sound of Pac-Man dying in your head after you jerk it, is it?

I’m a few failed relationships away from getting religious.

I wish my bed felt more like tits.

"You marginally improve me."

Is there a market for “granny panties” for men? Calling them “griefs”. Awesome, huh?