“she’s got legs and she doesn’t know how to use them.”-paraplegic ZZ Top fan

Sometimes I just want to get fingered by a Mexican while in Paris (have French fries WITH my Taco Bell)

I'm one of those girls who values brains over good looks. Except beards.

pretty sure dudes would criticize the physical appearances of women way less if they had to walk around with their dicks out

whenever i'm homesick, i put my shirt on first and aggressively pull my pants over top and it feels like mom is dressing me again.

A boner is the most useful complement.

I get that rape jokes aren't for everyone. I won't force them on you.

When I was a kid, I hated puns. I think I've groan.

Why do bananas come in bunches of 6?? Who the fuck has more than three holes???

Just tried to use my credit card at Saladworks and the bank called to report suspicious activity on my account.

Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

FLACCID PENISES OF THE WORLD, I AM YOUR MAKER.

People who don't say thank you for favstar trophies have 3 nipples.

"Don't be a dick!" - Me putting my hand down a girl's pants for the first time

Celebrity deaths come in threes.

Pedophiles come in three-year-olds.

About to put it in this nap's butt.

I'm not fat, but a lot of fat things happen to me.

I prefer red condoms because ignorance is bliss.

I just had THE BEST IDEA for a polo shirt that decapitates the wearer when the collar is turned up!

I don't know why people waste money on wine glasses. As far as I'm concerned, wine already comes packaged in its glass.