You're lying if you don't admit you get more excited when certain people star your tweets.

It's not true that everyone in the south is inbred. At least that's what Uncle Dad says.

the worst part of having you on my mind is wondering if I'm on yours.

Shhhhhhh....it's only uncomfortable for a second....then you'll love it.

Pretty sure my thong is on backwards.

I was looking for my phone. It was in my hand. I felt stupid. The End.

If all I do on here is make one person laugh each day, then my purpose is fulfilled.

Know what's sexy? dads who love and take care of their kids.

Just sent a text that said "I'm god" rather than "I'm good". Now he's going to expect miracles and shit. And that's just TOO MUCH PRESSURE!

Huh. Turns out he didn't want to snuggle. It was code for 'fuck your brains out'.

I'm not sure why I bother replacing the cork in the wine bottle.

If my mom saw what you were saying I'd be grounded from Twitter.

I own a Droid, because, well, Star Wars.

Sometimes I'm afraid you'll miss me if I don't tweet for a while, so I tweet stupid shit just to be in your TL. -- everyone on Twitter

It's only trouble if you get caught.

I star fuck a lot of people so you'll never know which one I'm fucking in RL.

Hobbies or Interests: fucking, Twitter.

Thank you, twitter, for making me feel like I have friends. 10 friends, to be exact.

Morals? Yeah, I had those once. Passed ' em off to my kids.

I always think of "fuck you" as an invitation...except when I say it. then it's more like a death threat.