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Just burned my finger making a grilled cheese and that serves as a reminder that sometimes the things we love hurt us.
I watched The Bachelor last night for the first time and after 5 minutes I was more amused at the thought of my death.
"What is Fast and Furious 7 going to do now that Nelson Mandela is dead?" - Scot Armstrong
I'm going to laugh so hard and loud during Anchorman 2 you'll think I'm a black girl.
I wonder if my drug dealer is having a Black Friday sale?
Glad to hear the skydiver that hit the power line is okay, but unfortunately my grandmother is not - her life support was turned off.
On a real note - my life is amazing and I'm honestly so blessed to live the life I do. Plus awesome friends and family. I got lucky.
Runners high is not real. The only way you're getting a high from running is if there's a joint in your mouth.
I snuck out of the party and left without telling anyone last night and I'm not sorry about it.
The way they re-designed the music app makes me want to cry. Such a fail. I am livid.
Someone tell Kiley Porter my penis is 100% vegan and raw.
I'll even let her Instagram it.
Key & Peele is back, Tosh.0 is back, my grandma is dead, NFL is back...
All is right in the world!
The fries at In-n-Out are like a funeral in your mouth.
I am not normal.
Like I don't fit in with people. In general. I feel like I mostly change myself to be more like people, but its not me.
The OHS cheerleaders act like they were raped at the 2012 initiation. LOmotherfuckingL. You basic bitches got some ketchup poured on you.
Miley Cyrus is a few tweets away from becoming Amanda Bynes.