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As a pot smoking narcissist, my life is all smoke and mirrors
My wife doesn' appreciate what I do for her. I gave her an orgasm last night and she spat it out.
Chocolate causes some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. Researchers found other similarities but can't remember what they are
Kinky is ok with me. Straight is good too. I don't like it all over the house or in the bathroom, but apart from that, hey, it's your hair..
Farts smell, so deaf people can enjoy them too.
5 little words, and she gets me with them e-very fucking time...
..."What did I just say!!?"
Stupidity is a highly tweetable condition.
I still read her horoscope twenty six years after we broke up.
The lady next door came over this morning, to ask if I seen anyone removing clothing from her washing line. I almost shit in her knickers.
I like to imagine you,
in a piranha infested river.
If you ever have to choose between a large weevil and a small weevil, take the small one. Cos you know, the lesser of two weevils..??
Jealousy is such a waste of passion.
It's nice to be important; It's important to be nice.
Oh no, I think I might be sock curious
My girlfriends super power is, having total and immediate recall, of each and every single fucking word I have ever spoken to her.
Surprise, is a fart with a lump in it.
How can I untweet a tweet I tweeted? The thought I thought was not a tweet I should have tweeted, and now I fear, our friendship is deleted.
He who laughs longest, probably has the more profound mental illness.
My girlfriend sneezes in the musical key of B. It's true, and it sounds great. In fact... it's just the B sneeze.
I'm a genuine Kiwi that eats, roots, shoots and leaves. If you are a buzz kill, please go away. I follow @stephvelander
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