If @SarahPalinusa put out a map with crosshairs on all the members of the Westboro Baptist Church I'd be totally cool with that.

I love how twitter makes it possible for me to call @realDonaldTrump a douchebag and there's a chance he'll actually read it. Douchebag.

That whooshing sound you hear is @SarahPalinusa's political aspirations.

I'm going to take this time to once again say Fuck you @realDonaldTrump. Our President had better thing to do than satisfy you dumbass.

What would be NSFW if you worked in porn?

Friends of Jackass Letters can get Choosies Social for iPhone here: http://t.co/6AtUzqk6 thanks to @NiceGuyCliff and @NotchlandLabs

We're off to do our weekly shopping. I hate going out in public. All the laughing and pointing. It's exhausting. My arm gets tired.

I wish I was a Bank of America customer so I could close all my accounts!

Remember folks, autoplay music on a website is the work of the devil.

All I know for sure is that Amanda Knox did not kill Michael Jackson. I repeat: Amanda Knox did not kill Michael Jackson.

Damn you @twitter, you'll pry #oldtwitter out of my cold dead hands!

Dear Spammers, please update your pitch to include the iPad 3. A free iPad 2 is what the lame spammers offer.

Don't you hate when the voices in your head forget to tell you whether or not you're off your meds?

I think a false #Rapture is the 3rd best excuse for skipping church tomorrow. Atheism is 2nd and rational thought is the 1st.

You people were mean to @SarahPalinUSA and now she's quitting facebook and twitter!

If you go to the main twitter homepage and watch the "Top Tweets" they are all 100% insipid. It's like a scrolling Hallmark box of vomit.

Sometimes I put one of my hairs in my cat's dish just to even things out.

My lawyer is a porn lawyer. He handles my work pro boner.

When I click "accept" on your new 56 page "terms & conditions" what actually mean by "accept" is "Fuck you, Apple." Seriously annoying.

Next time some woman shows you an ultrasound of her fetus, say, "How did that get in there?" Shuts 'em right up.