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Who needs a boyfriend when I have an imagination, this body pillow, & pipe cleaners I've formed into arms to wrap me in their fuzzy embrace.
Him on why he can't call off of work this Thursday: "Sorry, angel, money is tight like your pussy."
You'd think that lady would appreciate me saying her mustache is coming along nicely for Movember. Some people just can't take compliments.
My cheeks hurt from laughing and smiling so much today.
The new 90210 looks like a cross between The Hills & One Tree Hill.
Guys with feelings are the worst.
Wearing a dress & sandals shows just how much I'm in total denial over this fall like weather. I'm not giving up without a pointless fight!
I hate when a cashier asks "how's it going" but it's 1hr until closing so I won't have enough time to even get through my abandoment issues.
How about just keep your mouth shut about it on social media so everyone doesn't know how horrible you are.
I kinda want to start doing crossfit so I can ask people how my snatch looks without getting questionable looks.
Probably should've stayed in and not drank, but oh well.
Can't talk now. Too busy googling "Jon Hamm bulge."
I have more than half a bottle of wine to finish all alone, so it's good no one is here because I'll be *real* honest after that.
It's just easier to remove the temptation.
My half day at work felt like I got paid to catch up about the weekend with my friend. No complaints from me.
Just heard a sales rep describe a project she sold & I want to design it so bad. Really wishing I worked for her.
I think I got tricked into liking him.
I'm really bad at buying Christmas gifts this year so I'm going to yell "stop trying to steal Jesus' thunder" if anyone complains.
I'm about one unladylike joke away from getting my uterus revoked.