I stand right next to the "God Hates Fags" guy with a sign that says "Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend"

On the bright side Mitt, this is the last full day that you will have to feign empathy for the American people.

I'm just a gay guy, standing in front of a girl, telling her, "Flats? Really?"

I spent 18 years in the closet. Not because I was ashamed to be gay, but because I needed the time to choose outfits.

Homeless guy just called me a "fag". I politely mentioned to him that "at least I have a very well decorated home."

I'm sorry we fought. I hate it when you're wrong.

When I order at Starbucks and they ask for my name I say, "Oprah. She's waiting in a car outside so don't fuck it up."

I just slapped my phone out of my mom's hand like it was a live grenade because she started scrolling thru my photos.

I was gonna have my asshole bleached but I don't think my boss would look good as a blond.

It's a cruel joke that they legalize pot and stop making Twinkies in the same month.

Don't forget to turn your clocks back on Sunday and if you are voting for Romney you should turn them back 60 years.

Am I the only one who is upset that 50 Cent has a cologne and he didn't name it '50 Scent'?

God gave me lemons so I killed Sarah Palin. I didn't really understand the instructions.

People say I'm patronizing (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).

If you say "six pack" to a guy and he thinks of beer, he's straight. If he pulls up his shirt he's gay.

If you've never said, "Jedi, use the force, you must." while walking through automatic doors then we wont be friends.

I'm pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites' heroin addiction.

When I'm in a public bathroom and someone knocks, I yell, "Oral or anal?"

They leave or I make a few bucks. Win win.

I'm just a gay guy standing in front of a girl, telling her,"I thought we talked about that skirt."

Cashier just pointed at my zit and told me that Proactive really works for her. I told her college worked for me.